It's been a while... again. What to do? Lynna's phoneline has been cut so I can't use the streamyx at her place. So much has happened and, as usual, I can't seem to remember it all when I finally have internet access.
One thing that does stand out was that I ended up in the hospital a few weeks back. I ran out of my medication and had an asthma attack. I have three different inhalers for my asthma. Usually if one runs out there's still another two so I have time to get a replacement before anything happens. But this time all three ran out at once in the same day. And I happened to be really busy at the time and really low on cash that week. I mean really low. I didn't even have enough money to buy all three inhalers. And as I was really busy as well I didn't even have time to go to a phamarcy until two days later. That was two days too late. All I could buy was a bronchial dialater, but by that night it was no longer effective. What I needed was something that prevented inflamation of my lungs but, of course, that was the more expensive medicine that I couldn't afford. I also had some cheques that were supposed to clear that week too but they didn't. The first cheque because they decided to give me the cheque late and the second cheque because they misspelled my name and the cheque got rejected. I was actually waiting for my cheques to clear so I could buy my medicine. Me and Lynna kept going to the ATM machine to check if it had cleared yet to no avail. All the while my asthma attacks became more frequent and stronger. At the same time I was still busy with business; meeting people and doing presentations. In fact, late on the 3rd night, I was discussing business with this one guy until I was having an attack but I was trying to cover it buy trying to control my breathing. By morning I was in the hospital. Lynna and Azlina were there, but none of the nebulizers where helping. My breathing was getting worse. The doctor started to inject those things into your hand that allows "drips" to be attached to your body. And then I got wheeled into ICU. They were injecting me with stuff and trying to take blood from my vein and artery. I stress "trying" because they were injecting all over the back of my hand and arm trying to find the right blood vessel. They would inject and, while the needle was still under my skin, they would move the needle around trying to find the artery. And all I could do was look with a nebulizer apparatus strapped to my face. Watching them dig around under my flesh. The weird thing was the feeling felt nauseating rather than painful. Perhaps because I had more pain from my lungs and the lack of oxygen. You know, blood from the artery has a very different colour than blood from the vein. It almost looks like ribena. But all the while my breathing got weaker and weaker. The doctors kept injecting more and more stuff in me, but nothing was working. I started to think that I actually could die. Not a good thought. Lynna would stand by my side when the doctors and nurses left me alone. She got so scared when I started to "minta ma'af" with her. The look was so funny that I started to laugh. Or at least try to, half heartedly. I was getting so weak that I could hardly hold my head up. I couldn't lean back onto the bed as I couldn't breath that way so I had to keep sitting up trying hard to breath. Lynna said my face had become really pale and my lips almost black. And yet, nothing the doctors were giving me was working. I kept my head down and my eyes shut trying to meditate. Focusing on my breathing. Trying to conserve my energy and keep myself breathing. I don't know how long I stayed that way, but it must've been a while. Thoughts that I might actually not make it kept entering my head. Kept wondering that if I died now would I be satisfied with myself? With my life? For so long I had been trying to live my life so that when I die, I die without regrets. Well, this certainly seemed like the perfect time to review. And when I looked upon my life I knew I was not satisfied. I felt like I was only just embarking on a wonderful journey when the asthma attack happened. I don't know how exactly to describe how I felt. I was not satisfied and I was helpless. My thought process seemed to stop there. I couldn't think of anything else except meditate on my breathing. And then suddenly I realized I could breathe. I opened my eyes and to the right of me was an apparatus that was injecting something into me. I don't know what it was but I remember that machine from five years ago when I last had an asthma attack. That was the only machine that worked on me back then too. Thank God. The nurse later sent me up to the ward. By the next day I was discharged. As soon as I was out of the hospital I went to see the last guy I did a business presentation to and did a follow up with him. He didn't even know I had been hospitalized.

LAST FIVE ENTRIES

Over - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2005
A short ramble - Monday, Jul. 18, 2005
Results - Saturday, Jul. 09, 2005
A book understanding - Monday, Mar. 28, 2005
Soreness - Tuesday, Mar. 15, 2005