It’s amazing how doing what you’re doing can affect so many people. And not necessarily for good either. How do you deal with that? Sure, some things aren’t big and serious. But there are some things that are. I would never have imagined I could be… hmm… how do I say this without sounding arrogant? Oh well… Influential. *Phtooey*. I hate responsibility. I hate it. Loath it. Despise it. It makes me feel as if I’m losing my freedom because I have “obligations” to keep. And being so darn influential means I HAVE responsibilities. I wasn’t expecting to be who I am. Not that I’m complaining or anything. It is good to be me. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. But I never imagined that me being who I am, doing what I’m doing can cause so much talk. And in some cases action too. You know, I remember when I was much younger, I think below double digits, that I was dreaming and fantasizing of fantastic stories of epic proportions. It centered around me being the hero of the day. There would be great fights and battles full of magical properties; Crouching tiger Hidden dragon would come close. And then there would be the mystery of it all. The gorgeous babe heroin or damsel in distress would have bewilderment showing on her face as things would happen around her because I was in the picture. The ordinary joe protecting the world from evil and wrong doing. Egotistical maniacs challenging me for my position as protector of the world. And it would be dramatic. Oh so dramatic. So yeah, I used to dream about being important. Having respect. Wanting to be able to contribute to the outcome of things. And to a certain degree, I have it. And that’s scary. To dream and fantasize about it is one thing, but to actually have it is like… Whoa! I don’t feel like I’ve changed that much, although I have. And hopefully it’s for the better. But basically I’m still me. All that has changed is that I have more to show for it. More evidence of me being alive. And these “results” are what’s affecting things around me. For example, I’ve been acting for 6 years now, almost. But only in the last year and a bit have people started to know about me. I haven’t been doing anything too different. Except maybe change the medium of where I do my expressing, but essentially acting is acting. But the results! The results now are so different. It used to be that only a few of the theater goers would recognize me, but otherwise I could go about my business and no one would stare. But now I get all kinds of looks and then whispers. So I end up smiling at everybody because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know if they know me or not. So smile aje lah. And then some guy tells me that his friend lost weight because he saw me on tv and was inspired to lose weight. Who would’ve thought? I’m still amazed at that. I mean all I did was do what I like to do. And then if I befriend people, my friendship with that person affects that person’s friendship with other people. And before you know it, somebody doesn’t like me and I never even spoke to that person. It’s like this massive interlocking puzzle. Tweak one part and every thing gets affected. And some more, I hate responsibility.

LAST FIVE ENTRIES

Over - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2005
A short ramble - Monday, Jul. 18, 2005
Results - Saturday, Jul. 09, 2005
A book understanding - Monday, Mar. 28, 2005
Soreness - Tuesday, Mar. 15, 2005