*Phew* It's tuesday. Or it was tuesday, wednesday now. It's been a long few days. So much, so much has happened. But I'm only stuck with half an hour to type out many days of episodes. *sigh*. As usual my problems with internet connections are on going. Having to go exploring for cybercafes just to go online. Never realised that there were cyber cafes just for gaming, no internet whatsoever. And they were full! At least some were.

First day of shoot was today. Or at least yesterday. I love shooting with these guys. Rashid Sibir is directing. I'm acting with Arash, Bob Azrai, Shani, Fin, Shera, Ijoy and Farah. One of the pleasant things about shooting with Rashid, or Bapak as he is sometimes called, is how relaxing it is. We were shooting in this huge house in shah alam. I think there's about 4 floors. It's got a lift, but we have to walk up and down. Everybody gets out of breath by the time we get to the top floor. We is so unfit. I only had 2 scenes, was done in half a day. What was nice was that the guys and I took time to talk about our characters and work them out so that we knew what each of us were doing. I think we might have something here that might work out really nicely. But we'll have to wait and see I guess. I was having fun flirting with the girls, managed to get farah's make-up and lipstick all over my shirt. Finally found out that the telemovie we're shooting is called "Bidadari". Imagine that; I got the script on friday (which I only finished reading today on location :-p) and I didn't even know the title of the whole thing. *sigh* Malaysian tv for you. Was having a chat with Fins and I'm constantly finding out that people don't know if they're happy. All I asked is "So... Are you happy?", and she couldn't answer. I pestered her a little and she could not give me a clear answer. So I decided to ask Farah the same question and guess what? She couldn't exactly answer either. It's kinda scary that. I mean I've met so many people that's not happy. Why? Actually, I know why. I've been there myself. I've been sad. Depressed. Suicidal. Thank God I'm not anymore. The thing is, I know how to get out of it. And yet... So many people don't. It's a depressing feeling. I can help, yet sometimes it's not my place to help. It's a helpless feeling to know that I can help, yet cannot.

Last friday and saturday was a significant two days. I was invited to the opening of Aseana Brassarie (I think that's how it's spelled) at the Federal Hotel. I met so many people I had not seen in a long time. Farouk (a lumber tycoon) and Alya, Raja Maliq, Sean Ghazi, Jimmy (a stylist), Yoyo, Alvin (Cleo bachelor No. 22), etc. There where quite a few people there. I was having lots of interesting chats with lots of interesting people. I brought Aza with me, kept refering to her as my emergency date. There was a free flow of drinks and tid bits (I would've used orderves, but I've no idea how to spell it properly). Got quite tipsy. I purposely did not eat too much that day because Brian (cleo bachelor no. 35), who invited me, said there would be food. He just didn't tell me what kind. But what was significant was that Nik (another wealthy feller) had invited me to have dinner with Pierce Brosnan and Hale Berry on saturday. Me! Got invited to have dinner with THEM! And I was busy on saturday!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!! So I couldn't go. :-( *sigh* But that's okay I've got big plans for the future. One day, I will hire them to work with me! I read "The magic of thinking big". I had a business seminar to attend to on saturday. I made a commitment. Could've gotten out of it. But I hate doing that. Sometimes it is so difficult trying to be a man of your word. But I made a commitment. Aza left halfway through the opening to go join Khir for minums. Then out of the blue Rashid Salleh called me up to ask me to hang out with him. I have never hung out with him. Sure we're friends and I've worked with him a couple of times. But he has never called me up to hang out with him, so this was a bit of a surprise. So I went and joined him in Bangsar. Found out that Douglas (Kopitiam, Getting Together) had been telling him about me. Anyway, think Rashid was feeling down, girl problems. He didn't look too happy. So I hung out with him to keep him company. He also wanted me to send him home as he purposely didn't drive. Friends... *sigh*. Later on that night Aza joined me and I had a lot of fun flirting with her. Think she had great difficulties resisting my charming personality that night, but she did. Barely. Heheheheh...

Saturday. The big seminar day. Was it worth it? Letting go of the dinner to learn how to make money? Only time will tell. But it was a damn good seminar. You see, one of the things in life that I want is respect. And I was thinking about the whole dinner thingy. As it stands now, if I were to go to the dinner and be introduced, would I even have a real conversation with them? Would I even get a chance to talk to them let alone a real conversation? Even if I did, how would it sound? "Err... Hi... Um... So... duh..." Would I be this eager beaver trying (oh so trying) to get to know them? The thought makes me cringe. I just don't want to be the one that's trying to get to know them and they're not interested. You know what I mean? A one sided relationship. I mean they might be polite and all that, after all I hadn't met them, but... It's just that when I make my millions (and I will make my millions), the next time I get a chance to have dinner with them it's going to be such that they will know of me and they WILL acknowledge me. It makes me feel weird to acknowledge this. Especially to type it out here. Does this make me come across as suffering from some inferiority complex? I dunno if I do. I don't think so. It's just that I want to be considered an equal and nothing less. I don't care if they come from hollywood earning millions. I want my self respect. "Dyslexia" aired on tv3 that night. Couldn't watch that either. I got a whold bunch of smses for my acting on that show during the seminar. A few sarcastic ones, and a lot of nice ones. Wanted to watch it, but commitments, commitments. Went to Genting after the seminar with Alvin, Caroline and Lillian. We were so tired by the time we got there. We tried to do stuff, but that soon ended and we just KO'd.

Sunday. Muiz's birthday party today. He's two now. My youngest nephew of my eldest brother, Mo. I'm supposed to be there celebrating with them at Selangor Club, Mont Kiara, but I'm in Genting. Kakak (my sister Natasha) was sms-ing me, reminding me. Sometimes I can be so unorganized. Trying to keep too many promises and forgetting my schedule. I promised my family I'd be there and I promised my friends to join them in Genting. On top of that I'm supposed to attend Sophie's "Twelfth Night" in actors at 3pm. Missed that too. I chose to be with my friends. Wasn't such a complete *beep*. I did call my bro to wish his son a happy b'day and to apologize to everyone for not being there. I got his voice mail. But I was glad to get to spend time with my friends. We sat in Coffee Bean, Genting for hours. And we talked and talked and talked. It was great. We talked about all kinds of things. Books, movies, music, life, friends, events, backgrounds, personalities. It was one of those conversations that just drifted form topic to topic and we all had something to say or share. It only ended because we had to go to back to KL. Lillian called me such a positive person and was wondering how I could be like that. It takes a lot of practise I tell you. She also found it a bit weird to walk around with me as some people would recognise me and say "Hi" or salam me. Sometimes when it happened I wondered if I looked like a politician. Then it was back to KL! I was supposed to meet Hajar around 8-ish. Didn't make it either... *sigh*. So I rescheduled to meet her on Monday. Geram. Back in KL I had a meeting at 10pm. Rajinder decided that instead of talking about the technical aspects of our business, we talk about the why. Why the heck we're doing what we're doing. My goodness, that's when I realized what I wanted was respect. My driving force. I think one of the most intimate things, in the world, is to share with others our desires. But we spoke up. I was fearful to admit what I wanted for fear of sounding arrogant or selfish or something like that. But I figured what the heck, let's be honest. I even said that I wanted to be in the history books. But these guys were great. They understood. I learned a lot about them. We should've recorded it. The talk helped. Gives me a clearer purpose to when I do things.

LAST FIVE ENTRIES

Over - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2005
A short ramble - Monday, Jul. 18, 2005
Results - Saturday, Jul. 09, 2005
A book understanding - Monday, Mar. 28, 2005
Soreness - Tuesday, Mar. 15, 2005